remembering my first love

There's a song that keeps playing over and over in my head lately.  The words are so beautiful and every time I hear it, love for my Saviour overwhelms me (you can listen to it at the bottom of this post).  I'm left with a longing--a longing for that first love.  That fervent, burning love that sees only Jesus, hears only Jesus, wants only Jesus.   I didn't know just how distracted and busy my life had become until Jesus started leading me to that verse in Revelations where He is confronting a church in Ephesus  (and where He is lovingly confronting me):

"I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love."   Revelations 2: 2-4

Just look at that list of commendable things they had done!  All of them were praiseworthy.  And I look at the different "things" I do for Jesus, all in His name, and I realize that many of them have become habit.  Like a marriage that has grown too comfortable and lacks pizazz, that's what my love for my Savior has been lately.  He's overwhelmed me with His love (here, here, here, and here). He's held nothing back.  And He longs for me to do the same.  To hunger and thirst for Him.  To desire Him more than anyone or anything else.  He desires me.  ALL of me.

I was moved to tears when I read this beautiful post.  Sami shared this same scripture that God has been leading me to.  And my heart just resounded with renewed longing, with sorrow for moments I had missed with Him, but with excitement for what tomorrow will bring.  She posted a letter from God to herself and encouraged others to do the same and to link up with her.   I was so excited to get alone with Him and hear what He would say to me.  I remembered this blog that was created to share some of my conversations with God and I realized (with chagrin) that I haven't added anything to it in almost eight months.  I asked Him to speak to me, to write me a letter.  And He was so faithful.  I have to admit, I expected a well deserved note of correction, but this is what I felt Him tell me,

My Joye,

I've missed you.  I love you.  I yearn for you.  Your love is like the sweetest of perfume.  I've missed sharing secrets with you, talking long into the night, laughing, crying, and listening to the beat of each other's heart.  You are my first love and I long to be yours.  Please know that I'm not angry with you-- I'm jealous for you.  Just spend time with me and I'll fill your heart with greater joy than when grain and new wine abound.   

I treasure your love.

I am yours,

Jesus

How can I not respond to a love like that?

My Jesus,  

You have given me such grace!  And I want to know you more.  I want to hear the secrets of your heart, the depths of your love, the recklessness of your mercy.  And I want it to resound in my own heart.  

I want to love you more.  To sit with you and lose myself in the fire that burns in your eyes.  You deserve all of me.  You deserve so much more than I could ever give, and all you ask is to be my first love!  So come and fill me, Jesus, with the passion of Heaven.

Love,

Your Joye 

You were mine first

I said:  Jesus, you are my first love.

God said:  And you are mine.

I will always remember the day I placed you in your mother's arms.

I wept at your birth.

I so carefully and lovingly created you in your mother's womb.

It was I who whispered your name in her ear.

My _______.

My lovely _______.

My darling daugther.

My treasure.

I AM your I AM.

I posted part of this conversation on The Joyeful Journey.

I said:  God, I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions.  Joel and I know we're called to the ministry, but you haven't opened that door again yet.  So, we're just seeking you and taking steps to provide for our family while we wait on your will.

It's hard.  This waiting.  I want so much to be doing more.  You know how much I long to be on the mission field for you.  It's always been a desire of mine.  I know that where I am is a mission field and I am called to be a missionary here, even in my own home.  But sometimes I just get restless.

Sometimes I feel like asking you why you haven't given us clear direction on where to go. We're more than willing to be missionaries overseas, but we won't take that step without a word from you.   I start thinking of all I want to do for you and I start feeling so inadequate and impatient.

It's hard.  This waiting.

God said:  And I'm just waiting for you to be content with where you are.

I said:  I was afraid you'd say that! Being content is not very easy for me (as you well know!) I can be joyful, but to be content? That would mean I would have to stop striving and wishing and wanting and longing for what I don't have and even for what I'm not.

Okay, God, what are you saying to me? I'm listening.

God said:  What you do for me doesn't define who you are, I define who you are.

I said:  Oh, wow. Thank you for helping me understand this, Lord. I think I need to hear that again...and again.  Please help me remember this! 

I'm always desperately wanting to DO something for you and somehow that DOING begins to DEFINE me instead of what you have already done for me.

God said:  I AM your I AM

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4: 12-13

I said:  Thank you, Jesus, for showing me that my contentment is IN you.  And in simply letting YOU live through me.

Remain in My Love

I said:  Jesus, my Jesus, life can get so mundane at times and I just don't have enough hours in the day to fulfill all my duties. I'm exhausted.  And overwhelmed.  If only I could finish my chores faster and enjoy my children more.  I just want to hold and kiss and play with them all day.  They are so amazing, such JOYS!  At the same time, Jesus, I wish I could spend even more time with you.  Just soaking in your presence and reveling in your words. Ordinary days are hard.  They really test my character.  I have such a strong desire to do more for you.  It's so intense at times and there are so many different directions I could go--there are a million different ways I can serve you.  I just need a "This is the way, walk in it"  type of word.  I pray that you reveal your direction to me and my family.  Show us what you would have us do.

God said:  Just rely on me for the manna for each day.

Be content in me.

Remain in me and in my love.

I am not going to pass you by, my daughter.  I know the plans I have for you and I will surely accomplish them.  Know that I am directing your steps.  Dwell in my house--at my feet.