I AM your I AM.

I posted part of this conversation on The Joyeful Journey.

I said:  God, I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions.  Joel and I know we're called to the ministry, but you haven't opened that door again yet.  So, we're just seeking you and taking steps to provide for our family while we wait on your will.

It's hard.  This waiting.  I want so much to be doing more.  You know how much I long to be on the mission field for you.  It's always been a desire of mine.  I know that where I am is a mission field and I am called to be a missionary here, even in my own home.  But sometimes I just get restless.

Sometimes I feel like asking you why you haven't given us clear direction on where to go. We're more than willing to be missionaries overseas, but we won't take that step without a word from you.   I start thinking of all I want to do for you and I start feeling so inadequate and impatient.

It's hard.  This waiting.

God said:  And I'm just waiting for you to be content with where you are.

I said:  I was afraid you'd say that! Being content is not very easy for me (as you well know!) I can be joyful, but to be content? That would mean I would have to stop striving and wishing and wanting and longing for what I don't have and even for what I'm not.

Okay, God, what are you saying to me? I'm listening.

God said:  What you do for me doesn't define who you are, I define who you are.

I said:  Oh, wow. Thank you for helping me understand this, Lord. I think I need to hear that again...and again.  Please help me remember this! 

I'm always desperately wanting to DO something for you and somehow that DOING begins to DEFINE me instead of what you have already done for me.

God said:  I AM your I AM

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4: 12-13

I said:  Thank you, Jesus, for showing me that my contentment is IN you.  And in simply letting YOU live through me.

Are You Letting Me Love You?

note:  This was one of those conversations that I had on notepaper with God.  It helps me to hear Him more clearly when I'm writing down what He speaks to me.  Remember these are just private conversations with a girl learning to hear the voice of God.  Nothing more, nothing less.

God said:  Let me love you.

I said:  I thought I was, God.  How do you want me to let you love me?

God said:  Accept the fact that I love imperfect people.  You never have to earn my love or my blessings.  There are "no strings attached".

I said:  But I've let you down so many times.

God said:  I've never been disappointed with you.  I've known sorrow when you've made wrong decisions, but only because I knew the pain those wrong decisions would cause you.  I have great joy and have experienced immense pleasure in you.  Your desire for truth has been such a delight to me.  YOU are a delight to me.

I said:  I'm questioning whether I'm hearing you right, God.  I'm a delight?  I forget to read my Bible, some days I even forget to praise you.  I get short-tempered and rude and I often feel like I have so little faith.  Sometimes I feel far from you and so far from what I should be.  I have big dreams--but I don't feel like they're big enough.  I have a desire to do great things for you, but I lack vision and direction.  You must get exasperated with me.

God said:  I will always be patient with you.  You are my masterpiece.  Just as a painter pores over his painting, I am continually adding details, texture, colors--and I am excited about the work of art you already are!  I don't add details because I am unhappy with what I see--I add them because I am enamored with what I have created.  I love you, my masterpiece.

I said:  Please keep adding details, God!  I guess I am the impatient one!

God said:  And that is another thing I love about you--you allow me to express myself in you--you desire my will.  There is no limit to what I can do with you as long as you are submitted to me.  And nothing will be impossible for you!  Just let me love you--as you are right now.

I said:  But I am so unsatisfied with where I am, Father.  There is so much I want to do for you.  What are your dreams for me?  Will you use me, even with all my shortcomings?

God said:  Trust me, my child  I do have great dreams for you--bigger than you have imagined.  I will move heaven and earth for you--but you must trust me.  Even right now you are living in a dream I had of you--as a wife and a mother.  And I am so pleased with you, my daughter, for treating these roles with respect and for embracing this kingdom assignment from me.  Trust that my favor is upon you.  My grace is more than enough.  You will see my goodness.  You will inherit the land.