remembering my first love

There's a song that keeps playing over and over in my head lately.  The words are so beautiful and every time I hear it, love for my Saviour overwhelms me (you can listen to it at the bottom of this post).  I'm left with a longing--a longing for that first love.  That fervent, burning love that sees only Jesus, hears only Jesus, wants only Jesus.   I didn't know just how distracted and busy my life had become until Jesus started leading me to that verse in Revelations where He is confronting a church in Ephesus  (and where He is lovingly confronting me):

"I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love."   Revelations 2: 2-4

Just look at that list of commendable things they had done!  All of them were praiseworthy.  And I look at the different "things" I do for Jesus, all in His name, and I realize that many of them have become habit.  Like a marriage that has grown too comfortable and lacks pizazz, that's what my love for my Savior has been lately.  He's overwhelmed me with His love (here, here, here, and here). He's held nothing back.  And He longs for me to do the same.  To hunger and thirst for Him.  To desire Him more than anyone or anything else.  He desires me.  ALL of me.

I was moved to tears when I read this beautiful post.  Sami shared this same scripture that God has been leading me to.  And my heart just resounded with renewed longing, with sorrow for moments I had missed with Him, but with excitement for what tomorrow will bring.  She posted a letter from God to herself and encouraged others to do the same and to link up with her.   I was so excited to get alone with Him and hear what He would say to me.  I remembered this blog that was created to share some of my conversations with God and I realized (with chagrin) that I haven't added anything to it in almost eight months.  I asked Him to speak to me, to write me a letter.  And He was so faithful.  I have to admit, I expected a well deserved note of correction, but this is what I felt Him tell me,

My Joye,

I've missed you.  I love you.  I yearn for you.  Your love is like the sweetest of perfume.  I've missed sharing secrets with you, talking long into the night, laughing, crying, and listening to the beat of each other's heart.  You are my first love and I long to be yours.  Please know that I'm not angry with you-- I'm jealous for you.  Just spend time with me and I'll fill your heart with greater joy than when grain and new wine abound.   

I treasure your love.

I am yours,

Jesus

How can I not respond to a love like that?

My Jesus,  

You have given me such grace!  And I want to know you more.  I want to hear the secrets of your heart, the depths of your love, the recklessness of your mercy.  And I want it to resound in my own heart.  

I want to love you more.  To sit with you and lose myself in the fire that burns in your eyes.  You deserve all of me.  You deserve so much more than I could ever give, and all you ask is to be my first love!  So come and fill me, Jesus, with the passion of Heaven.

Love,

Your Joye 

You were mine first

I said:  Jesus, you are my first love.

God said:  And you are mine.

I will always remember the day I placed you in your mother's arms.

I wept at your birth.

I so carefully and lovingly created you in your mother's womb.

It was I who whispered your name in her ear.

My _______.

My lovely _______.

My darling daugther.

My treasure.

I AM your I AM.

I posted part of this conversation on The Joyeful Journey.

I said:  God, I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions.  Joel and I know we're called to the ministry, but you haven't opened that door again yet.  So, we're just seeking you and taking steps to provide for our family while we wait on your will.

It's hard.  This waiting.  I want so much to be doing more.  You know how much I long to be on the mission field for you.  It's always been a desire of mine.  I know that where I am is a mission field and I am called to be a missionary here, even in my own home.  But sometimes I just get restless.

Sometimes I feel like asking you why you haven't given us clear direction on where to go. We're more than willing to be missionaries overseas, but we won't take that step without a word from you.   I start thinking of all I want to do for you and I start feeling so inadequate and impatient.

It's hard.  This waiting.

God said:  And I'm just waiting for you to be content with where you are.

I said:  I was afraid you'd say that! Being content is not very easy for me (as you well know!) I can be joyful, but to be content? That would mean I would have to stop striving and wishing and wanting and longing for what I don't have and even for what I'm not.

Okay, God, what are you saying to me? I'm listening.

God said:  What you do for me doesn't define who you are, I define who you are.

I said:  Oh, wow. Thank you for helping me understand this, Lord. I think I need to hear that again...and again.  Please help me remember this! 

I'm always desperately wanting to DO something for you and somehow that DOING begins to DEFINE me instead of what you have already done for me.

God said:  I AM your I AM

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4: 12-13

I said:  Thank you, Jesus, for showing me that my contentment is IN you.  And in simply letting YOU live through me.

Everything I Have Is Yours

I said:  Jesus, Name that I cherish, Name that is Above All,

Let your faith rise up within me.  I want the fruit of your Holy Spirit in my life.  I desire to bring you glory.  Jesus, show me how to walk humbly with you.  Show me how to love like you do, bring healing through you, and proclaim freedom for those who are in captivity.  I desire to see the power of your Name at work, to glorify you.

I believe every word of your Bible.  EVERY WORD.  And you say that I have whatever I ask for, IN YOUR NAME (John 15: 16).  You say that the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead dwells in me. (Romans 8:11)  You say that if I have faith as small as a mustard seed I can say to this mountain, "Move!" and it will move.  (Matthew 17: 20)  I believe you, Father.  I believe in your EVERY WORD.

Jesus, send forth your light and your truth--let them guide me.  Fill me with your Holy Spirit.  Your word tells me that I should eagerly desire the greater gifts of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 12: 31).  And I desperately do.  Only Your Spirit can produce fruit in my life that is lasting and pleasing to you.  So, fill me Lord, with your gifts: the word of wisdom,  word of knowledge, faith, healing, working of miracles, prophesying, discernment of spirits, speaking in tongues and the interpretation of tongues  (I Corinthians 12: 7-11).  And most of all, my Lord, fill me with Your Love!  I want to become less so you can become more!

God said:  I am the vine and you are the branches.  Those who remain in me and I in them will produce much fruit.  For apart from me you can do nothing.  (John 15: 5)

I have loved you even as the Father has loved me.  Remain in my love.  When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father's commandments and remain in his love.  I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy.  Yes, your joy will overflow! This is my commandment:  Love others in the same way that I have loved you.  You are my friend if you obey me.  I chose you--I appointed you to go and produce fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.  (John 15: 9-16)

_(my name)__, everything I have is yours.  You asked for the gifts of the Holy Spirit and I have given them to you.

_(my name)__, I have given you a sound mind--you are not ruled by your emotions.  You are not led by your feelings.  I go before you.  I am leading you by my right hand.

Ask!  For I will surely answer!

Remain in My Love

I said:  Jesus, my Jesus, life can get so mundane at times and I just don't have enough hours in the day to fulfill all my duties. I'm exhausted.  And overwhelmed.  If only I could finish my chores faster and enjoy my children more.  I just want to hold and kiss and play with them all day.  They are so amazing, such JOYS!  At the same time, Jesus, I wish I could spend even more time with you.  Just soaking in your presence and reveling in your words. Ordinary days are hard.  They really test my character.  I have such a strong desire to do more for you.  It's so intense at times and there are so many different directions I could go--there are a million different ways I can serve you.  I just need a "This is the way, walk in it"  type of word.  I pray that you reveal your direction to me and my family.  Show us what you would have us do.

God said:  Just rely on me for the manna for each day.

Be content in me.

Remain in me and in my love.

I am not going to pass you by, my daughter.  I know the plans I have for you and I will surely accomplish them.  Know that I am directing your steps.  Dwell in my house--at my feet.

I AM Returning...

 I said:  Lately, God, you have been relentlessly impressing your return on my heart.  I know That doesn't necessarily mean I will see Your return in my lifetime, but it very well could happen!!  Either way, we will all meet You--whether in the clouds or at the judgement seat.  I know you want me to be prepared, and You want me to help prepare those around me. Love is a verb.  Help me love more. 

God said:  Watch and pray.

Verses God has been leading me to:

    "The Kingdom of Heaven can be illustrated by the story of ten bridesmaids who took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom.  Five of them were foolish, and five were wise.  The five who were foolish took no oil for their lamps, but the other five were wise enough to take along extra oil.  When the bridegroom was delayed, they all lay down and slept.  At midnight they were roused by the shout, 'Look, the bridegroom is coming!  Come out and welcome him!

All the bridesmaids got up and prepared their lamps.  Then the five foolish ones asked the others, 'Please give us some of your oil because our lamps are going out.'  But the others replied, 'We don't have enough for all of us.  Go to a shop and buy some for yourselves.'

But while they were gone to buy oil, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the marriage feast, and the door was locked.  Later, when the other five bridesmaids returned, they stood outside, calling 'Sir, open the door for us!'

But he called back, 'I don't know you!'

So stay awake and be prepared, because you do not know the day or hour of my return."            -Matthew 25: 1-13

"See, I am coming soon, and my reward is with me, to repay all according to their deeds.  I am the Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.  Blessed are those who wash their robes so they can enter through the gates of the city and eat the fruit from the tree of life."    -Revelation 22: 12-14

"Then those who feared the Lord spoke with each other, and the LORD listened to what they said.  In his presence, a scroll of remembrance was written to record the names of those who feared him and loved to think about him.  "They will be my people," says the LORD Almighty.  "On the day when I act, they will be my own special treasure.  I will spare them as a father spares an obedient and dutiful child.  

Then you will again see the difference between the righteous and the wicked, between those who serve God and those who do not."   -Malachi 3: 16-18

Are You Trusting My Love for You?

note:  this conversation picked up where it left off in the previous post, "Are You Letting Me Love You?"

I said:  Thank you, My Father, for this amazing love--I can't fathom the depths of it--it's too wonderful for me to understand.  I can only do as you say and accept it!  And I do accept it, Lord, make it come alive within me.  I want to trust you and I want to trust your love for me.

God said:  My daughter, this is the truth I want to reveal to your heart.  Nothing will be impossible for you as long as you TRUST my ABSOLUTE LOVE for you and remain in that love.  TRUST that I cherish you, that you captivate me.  My heart is in your hands.  All night I sing over you as you sleep.  I long to hold you close.  And in the morning, I am anxious to start the day with you-- I have so many exciting things planned for you and I want to tell you how much I love you in a million different ways!  I know how busy your life is right now.  You work tirelessly and lovingly and serve your family as unto me and that pleases me.  But I want to help you.  I want to give you joy in these tasks!  I want to fill your heart with love and laughter and strengthen you.  Let me love you.  Let me show you the million ways I love you.

I said:  Yes, Jesus!  I want to be closer and more sensitive to you.  And I long to be filled with joy!  Be glorified in me, Jesus!  I love you, Lord.  Thank you for loving me!