There's a song that keeps playing over and over in my head lately. The words are so beautiful and every time I hear it, love for my Saviour overwhelms me (you can listen to it at the bottom of this post). I'm left with a longing--a longing for that first love. That fervent, burning love that sees only Jesus, hears only Jesus, wants only Jesus. I didn't know just how distracted and busy my life had become until Jesus started leading me to that verse in Revelations where He is confronting a church in Ephesus (and where He is lovingly confronting me):
"I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love." Revelations 2: 2-4
Just look at that list of commendable things they had done! All of them were praiseworthy. And I look at the different "things" I do for Jesus, all in His name, and I realize that many of them have become habit. Like a marriage that has grown too comfortable and lacks pizazz, that's what my love for my Savior has been lately. He's overwhelmed me with His love (here, here, here, and here). He's held nothing back. And He longs for me to do the same. To hunger and thirst for Him. To desire Him more than anyone or anything else. He desires me. ALL of me.
I was moved to tears when I read this beautiful post. Sami shared this same scripture that God has been leading me to. And my heart just resounded with renewed longing, with sorrow for moments I had missed with Him, but with excitement for what tomorrow will bring. She posted a letter from God to herself and encouraged others to do the same and to link up with her. I was so excited to get alone with Him and hear what He would say to me. I remembered this blog that was created to share some of my conversations with God and I realized (with chagrin) that I haven't added anything to it in almost eight months. I asked Him to speak to me, to write me a letter. And He was so faithful. I have to admit, I expected a well deserved note of correction, but this is what I felt Him tell me,
I've missed you. I love you. I yearn for you. Your love is like the sweetest of perfume. I've missed sharing secrets with you, talking long into the night, laughing, crying, and listening to the beat of each other's heart. You are my first love and I long to be yours. Please know that I'm not angry with you-- I'm jealous for you. Just spend time with me and I'll fill your heart with greater joy than when grain and new wine abound.
I treasure your love.
I am yours,
How can I not respond to a love like that?
You have given me such grace! And I want to know you more. I want to hear the secrets of your heart, the depths of your love, the recklessness of your mercy. And I want it to resound in my own heart.
I want to love you more. To sit with you and lose myself in the fire that burns in your eyes. You deserve all of me. You deserve so much more than I could ever give, and all you ask is to be my first love! So come and fill me, Jesus, with the passion of Heaven.